Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Whatever porn starlets did in caveman times



"There were vibrators, but they were made of wood and powered by pedaling, or frightened rodents running in little exercise wheels. Everything had to be done by hand. There was no lube until 1910, so if the friction didn't kill you, fire was always a concern. You had to use corncobs as freshwipes. People had to make their own amateur porn.....The horrors of the past are mostly behind us. Now that we're more civilized about our sexuality, we no longer have to suffer achieving orgasms through primitive methods, carving our dildos out of root vegetables or whatever porn starlets did in caveman times. Now we have technology."
"
-- Violet Blue

But making amateur porn is so much fun. Like putting the little camera on video mode in the old barn. Making a self-directed movie out in the desert and setting it to a hot latin beat. Laughing your ass off when the cucumber busts in half and you give birth to a mutant vegetable right there on the couch. The caveman's ways are raw and real.....and hilarious sometimes.

But I do agree with Violet that technology can be a helluva lot of fun. The smell of the warm vinyl collar around my neck and salt from my own armpits was good. I felt raw and exposed. The burn on my ass from "your choice of bull or elk" took me to another place. And then this sensation began to drift over my body. A machine that sounded a bit like my old KitchenAid mixer on bread kneading mode pulsed and rotated across my hot skin, eventually undulating to a happy, wet place between my legs and......holy fuck! When my hands found the handle, I knew it was a massive machine of a thing, but the blindfold prevented a visual.

When I finally got a look at the beast, I was amazed. It looked like something I might find next to the egg beaters, toasters, and hot roller sets at a Goodwill store. But oh, Baby, you are fine! You have balls of steel, a heart of gold, and the amazing, powerful buzz of a go-kart motor. It was a Hitachi vibrator. The big old clunky plug-in one with the massive head. It is a fucking fairy wand! It was my first time with the classic toy and now......now there is even an adapter in the truck for road trips to accomodate this cave bitch. Batteries.....nah! Extension cords and a hammer holster are next, so I can walk around the cave with it.

This discovery -- well, it's a Christmas "murkle" as they say in Tuna, Texas. Never too old to learn new tricks! You really just never know what's around the next bend.....or in the next cave, do you? Oh, and Happy Festivus everyone!


Photo and Hitachi education by David Rolin. Thank you to BAK for truck adapters, amateur porn & caveman ways. GodBunny is watching!

6 comments:

Jeremy Edwards said...

GodBunny looks a little like Scotland. [Scroll down to comments.]

Gina Marie said...

I love it, Jeremy! Scotland is watching too, apparently!

BadAssKona said...

Hammer holster, hell! I'm getting a pickup truck with a tool box in the bed....

WV: "insnes"
Def: The first thing that goes, when you go insane

Gina Marie said...

Rooooaaaaadddd Trip!!!

David said...

The Hitachi "education" was all my pleasure mam. The results were indescribable. I'm still in awe. It was a wonderful exchange of energy.

Gina Marie said...

Awe inspiring, Mr. David! Rock on!