But I didn't. Everything I ever needed to know I actually learned Saturday night.
1. Chew your food. Even Fido puts more teeth marks on his pork chops. Jeezus, woman! You frikking pig!
2. When a cute girl with feathers for eyelashes and sparkly red baby fairy wings offers you treats from her fairy pouch, kiss her on the lips and then run! Run far, far away!
3. Always ask what it is BEFORE you put it in your mouth. Actually, I should have learned that one in pre-school.
3. Don't drink straight whiskey out of a pint glass. EVER. WAAAAAY worse than drinking straight from the bottle. I'm sure Mrs. Bonar taught me that right before she told my parents I should repeat kindergarten for being short and left-handed (not kidding, true story). I must have forgotten.
4. Take note of everything that makes you horny: Him. Figs. Beetles. Chainsaw gas. Curls. Warm sand. Cool sand. Sand. Hummingbird wings. Frog feet. Full moon. Any moon. His hands. Books. Wet wool. Woodsmoke. Dry grass. Crickets. India Ink. Slippery mushroom heads. Turtles. River shallows. Lollipops. Hay bales. Peppermint lip gloss. French roast. Scarves. His legs around my stomach. Running. Cargo nets. Wooden boxes. Parchment. Trapeze artists. Fried corn. Lemon meringue pie. Clouds. His eyes. Spiral bound notebooks. Live music. Freshly cut alfalfa hay. Elk meadows. Truck tires. Cracked earth. Snakes. Piss and sunshine in my hair. Wood piles. Dried beans. The last leaf. Caterpillars. Blue cheese dressing. Cartwheels. Fishing. Moss. Huckleberries. Old car smell. Typewriter keys. Burn piles. Octopus tentacles. Happy people. Gosh, just about everything. And definitely his everything. Makes me horny.
5. Forget about the things that don't: Mean people. A really good partially chewed pork chop dinner sacrificed to the party gods. Right wing homophobic nut jobs. That's about it. Fuckin'-A!
6. Put it all into perspective.
7. Party on!
ps -- guess what? Tonight is the FULL BEAVER MOON! Letting out a big ol' howl for that one!