Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Stupid Hoe

The sun streamed in through the bathroom window this morning and alighted on a drumstick and a rubber rainbow bouncy ball inexplicably left stranded on the counter. In a flash I remembered an incredible dream I'd had the night before -- one of those dreams that left me feeling giddy, especially because I hoped for a moment that it had really happened....(actually I'm still a little hopeful).

While the dream flew around like shooting stars in my mind, I picked up the bouncy ball and the drumstick and made up a fun new game -- sort of a cross between beer pong and jacks with some karaoke drumming and self-lovin' tossed in.

In this dream I had just left Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans, my mouth pleasured with the heavenly flavor combination of hot greasy sugared dough and the perfect bitterness of strong cafe au lait. The next thing I knew, I was alone on the water, fishing for catfish from that old red-bottomed wooden rowboat I had in college. It was great to see the S.S. Sea Bitch again -- she's held up well over the years. My heart leaped when I felt a big one hit my line hard, but when I reeled that bad boy in and pulled my catch out of the water, it wasn't a fish at all but a slimy leather boot with a fish face. The fat, whiskered lips spat words at me. "Whore. Bitch. Slut. Cunt."

I started laughing hysterically and felt this amazing sense of joy when I realized I've already claimed all of those words. Stupid old boot fish can't kick me with them. "Yeah, silly fish," I said and winked. "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm a bitch. A whore. A slut. A no-good cunt."

The demon fish didn't like that too much. He bit me on the arm, but it didn't hurt. It tickled. I laughed 'till my belly ached. There's one word he forgot to call me.

"Hey grumbly bumbly fish -- you forgot the best word of all -- you can hate me for that too," I said.
Bounce! I woke up. Happy and giggling, not laughing at those delicious words, but with them.
Slut! Ha!
From Amplify Your Voice: “To us, a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”
Woo! The sun is shining. And speaking of hoes, spring is springing -- time to pop some seeds in the ground and watch them grow.

ps -- Surprise on Monday!!! Wheeee!

pps -- Just put $5 under the mattress. I'm saving for a trip to Scotland. I'm not letting you get away that easily Miss Shanna!


Erobintica said...

Fish Face Boot - I sorta like the sound of that.

great dream KM!

Donna said...

Wow, what a wonderful dream. Since all writers are thieves to a degree, I hope you don't mind if I borrow that very empowering image when I need a little courage to keep writing what I do. And oh, my, Scotland. I had a wonderful vacation there in 1992, but I'd love to go back. Had the very best hazelnut raspberry cream cake at a tea room in Edinburgh....

spam word: "berpogi"--an unusual type of beer pong?

Jeremy Edwards said...

This post was such a many-faceted miracle! From the absurdly mysterious objects in the bathroom, and your marvelous adventures with them, to the hilarious dream—so colorfully narrated in rich detail, complete with unforgettable dialogue . . . it's an episode that's so wonderfully you.

Spamword: neglyses

[Oops, I neglected to read Ulysses?]

Emerald said...

Ah, I'm right there with you on this KM. While it has happened on occasion that someone has tried to use the words "whore" and/or "slut" as an insult to me, I frankly find the idea somewhat comical. Why on earth would I consider such things to be insults??

I have a t-shirt that says, "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."


Neve Black said...

I wonder if the boot fish dream had anything to do with the Bushmill's shots of Irish Whiskey? :-)

Beautiful post Kirsten.

Look out UK, here you come!