Thursday, July 24, 2008

Some Silly Fun


Sexlightenment
(An excerpt)

By Kirsten Monroe

I always thought I’d remember exactly what I was doing the moment I achieved total enlightenment. I kind of do, but sort of don’t. I think it was a Tuesday evening, but I can’t be certain – sometime after dinner. I’m pretty sure I had leftover chicken because I do recall meditating on not being disturbed that the reheated thigh got a little stringy in the microwave. The irritation evaporated like dew on a summer morning and it dawned on me later that I had finally achieved Nirvana. Total bliss.

But it wasn’t until a few days later that it really kicked in – and in the most incredible way. Oh, and I do remember the exact second that the sexlightenment set in – unfuckingforgettable is what it was.

I was driving down the freeway listening to some weird station because my regular station was on a commercial break, so I blissfully switched to something else. As I was fiddling with the dial, I must have swerved slightly. Just a little swerve, which I fucking recovered from nicely, thanks very much! This dude in a beat-up orange pickup got all in a fit. He flipped me off and stared me down like he wanted to murder my ass. On a good day I might have flipped him off back. On a bad one, I might have started shaking and ranting to myself. But not the blissful me. Oh no. I just grinned at him and gave him a thumbs-up sign. And then, as that meanie screamed by yelling “fuck you bitch,” his fat middle finger shaking at me, I orgasmed so hard I nearly drove into the median. I’m not talking about a little twinge or a buzzy feeling in the happy place. Oh no. I’m talking full-on big bang. Ursa fucking major.

Since then, I’ve learned to meditate on keeping it quiet – the spontaneous O thing. No screaming in grocery stores when the smell of freshly ground coffee wafting from the in-store grinder sends me over the edge, lurching for a middle aisle, squeezing my twat with all my might, pretending I just have to pee. No oh-yessing at Oil Can Henry’s when the sound of an air wrench puts me over the edge. No screaming to high heaven at the counter when the guy in the starched white shirt at the bank fingers his silver pen, twisting the tip in and out. Holy fuck! That poor man actually called 9-1-1 thinking I was having a heart attack.

The odd thing is, it’s never the same trigger twice. It’s fun and interesting & all, but I really think I need to channel this energy somehow in a more organized way.

8 comments:

Jeremy Edwards said...

Some people are definitely more fun to run errands with than others.

Craig Sorensen said...

One might call this gift of yours a "hair trigger."

Enjoy!

Kirsten Monroe said...

Any ideas for how to channel such a thing, control it, use it for the good of mankind somehow?

Craig Sorensen said...

But to control it might diminish the magic power of the gift.

No, this is a force bigger than the mere greater good: (spoken in deep Carl Sagan voice) It is the orgasm of the cosmos. Strap in and enjoy the ride.

Kirsten Monroe said...

"The orgasm of the cosmos" -- I just read an amazing Sagan quote --Fascinating stuff.

In the last few millennia we have made the most astonishing and unexpected discoveries about the Cosmorgasm and our place within it, explorations that are exhilarating to consider. They remind us that humans have evolved to wonder, that understanding is a joy, that knowledge is prerequisite to survival. I believe our future depends on how well we know this Cosmorgasm in which we float like a mote of dust in the morning sky.
--C.S.
>

Craig Sorensen said...

You crack me up, Kirsten. Love the Carl Sagan quote!

I seem to recall he also once mused:

"Billions and billions of pleasure tendrils, working out from the center of the cosmos. An orgasm like the exploding of a galaxy from the primordial big bang."

Jeremy Edwards said...

I think with all this silly fun, we may have the makings of a silly string theory of the universe!

Kirsten Monroe said...

Oh, the brilliance Jeremy! There could be an entire blog dedicated to the Silly String Theory. Paralaughable universes and zero-dimensional pleasure particles, harmoniously uniting quantum leaping with the theory of general relaxation.